Posted by: amica | May 29, 2010

RAD is kicking my ASS!

title says it all…but I am getting to a “Do Something About it Or You Will Not Make It” place.  More to come soon – ideas are flourishing and I am going to need all of your help!

Posted by: amica | May 23, 2010

Not Really Back Yet

Hello everyone….is anyone still around? I am sorry I have been MIA. I don’t feel like I am quite back yet either. But I do feel the need to write tonight, for me.

So many things are pulling at me recently, honestly I physically feel the weight and try to find the reason!!?? Am I not sleeping well? Not enough nutrients? Allergies? Then I stop to think about everything that is going on and it slaps me….oh yes! Life…life is beating me down. I should recognize this after 34 years but…I don’t.  I never really realize when I am being attacked by stress, my body does, and even that doesn’t send off the right bells.

Micah is doing so well in some very important ways. He now hugs sincerely. He smiles more than ever. He hangs around me constantly (I won’t admit how annoying it can be) just to be near me.  These are HUGE! But….and this is a fairly large but, he also is failing almost all his core classes, has been denied to return to that school next year (that I worked so hard to get him into), is currently on a 3 day suspension, only has 5 more discipline points until he is completely expelled, has gotten SO RUDE with his mouth, questioning me and my decisions and fighting for the last word on everything.  I guess this really isn’t anything new…just add teenage attitude on to how it already was. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I let him get to me the way I do. I can’t just smile him off like I do Hannah. It bothers me when he is mad – either I need to make it better or how dare he be mad at something so selfish or silly or unimportant. I need to figure myself out on this one because I am unable to handle the situation correctly until I do. The emotion takes over all my logic. The food hoarding has halted now that there is a lock on the pantry. I am waiting to see what he replaces that need with.

Hannah is getting worse. I remember Lisa telling me awhile back about RAD kids and their pupils always being dilated when they are disregulated. I found this interesting but nothing I had ever witnessed in mine. Until the last month or so. When I pick Hannah up from school, her eyes give her away. It could be the sun but they don’t change when we get inside. I realize this is nothing compared to what many of you have experienced but she had her first meltdown a couple of weeks ago. Where I had to hold her down or at least keep her from hurting herself. I ended up with many scratches on my arms but not from her intentionally hurting me, just trying to get away. When I thought it was safe to let her go, she took off toward the gate (we were in the backyard). I told her if she opened it, I would call the police. She stopped dead in her tracks and I later told her how proud I was of her being able to control herself like that. She responded with she heard a noise that scared her and she was afraid to open the gate and see what it was. I have to do a panty check whenever a skirt is worn. A shorts check has always been in play but more recently, she is trying to get out the door with nothing underneath and also without a bra. The storytelling and fantasies are never ending. I have tried lying to her about things she could get or do and then saying, well I lied. I’ve tried giving her a re-do, I’ve tried telling her to write them in her fantasy journal. These all make her mad and take us down a bigger battle. Some of her recent stories are about kids getting hurt at school and how she is always the first one to get to them and she gets to escort them to the nurse. We are talking broken limbs. I won’t lie when I say I am afraid to ask the teacher if this is truly the case because I suspect the worse. Her need for attention is truly that great.

Ann-Ellise is in the height of tantrum season. It sounds like we have some extinct dinosaur living in our home whenever something doesn’t go her way. Horrid sounds with screeches of Get Away From Me or Leave Me Alone or Fine, I Don’t Care or something equally as adorable.  Old Na*y was having a sale today so the kids got new swimsuits. She wanted to wear hers the rest of the day here at the house so I agreed. While playing in the backyard she wanted to pee in the grass. When I wouldn’t let my aspiring redneck take a leak in our backyard she proceeded to throw a 20 min fit. She was a crumpled mess on her bedroom floor screaming at me, refusing to go to the bathroom. She’s stubborn, that one.

Having mentioned I am picking up the kids from school, I’m sure I left out the “I got laid off” part. In some ways it is a blessing because of the time I get to spend with the kids. In other ways, I find myself freaking out sometimes. I was supposed to be starting a new job at the beginning of June but just found out it fell through, the company didn’t get the contract. I wish I could find I job I would enjoy instead of these positions I am qualified for. The thought of continuing this career path makes me want to barf. I know I could be great and happy at so many things but I lack the experience on paper to get anything that could actually support my family.

Also, I have recently come to the realization that I am a food addict or something comparable. I don’t eat many times in a day but when I do, I make myself miserable. I have little control over this and I have always failed at trying. I usually last a few weeks if I am lucky but the food shows to be more powerful than me. I want to change this. NOW. I am feeling guilty, like always, that I am so weak to this. I hate my appearance but it doesn’t stop the eating cycle. I avoid mirrors, going out, meeting people, and have no energy. All because of me. My kids complain that I don’t play with them and I envision the way I want to be, the way I want/used to look. I miss that girl.

I am also tired of just being a mom. I know that sounds horrible. I don’t mean that being a mom isn’t wonderful. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I get to be a co-worker sometimes and a daughter sometimes or sister. But mainly I am a mom. I am not a friend much of the time due to time constraints. This is really a big one for me because my pre-mom life was always about my friendships – just as dear to me as my family. I now know what their parts in my life played in my happiness. I am not a girlfriend or a wife. For years…and years. Due to my own hang-ups and time constraints and….it is hard not having someone in the house to replenish me. I love and adore my children but they take and very, very rarely give. That’s ok, it isn’t their job to do that. But there are very few conversations outside of those with my kids, there are never adult, non-related, non-platonic, hugs and kisses. I never realized how much someone needs to have that.  We aren’t made to go without nurturing and above all the things I have listed above, this is the one I think that is making the largest impact on me.

I am in the middle of an empty feeling time and I know it will pass. I know things will shift. I know I am whining…

Posted by: amica | March 13, 2010

Checking In

Yes, I am still in the land of the living. Things are the same which means the entire household is still alive. H is perfecting her skills at triangulation, lying, and pretty much just freaking me out. Only on the inside, of course. M’s behavior has recently been looking much more like a teenager with a dash of RAD. This, by the way, is not any more fun for me. His grades have plummeted and I can’t make him care. AE is arguing, screaming, and not listening. Sometimes she is amazingly adorable too.

One week and three days to Katharine Leslie in Ft Worth. I am ….I was going to say excited but honestly, I am crawling through the desert to get there. It is a goal line for me. I will be better after I get there and get recharged. This is what I keep telling myself.

The babysitter is on her last days. M overheard the ringtone she has for me. Something like “The B**CH is calling! Warning!” H would make that up for the drama. M would never think to do that, he is too busy with self sabotage. TRYING to find someone, anyone, else to watch the kids while I am gone to Ft Worth but I really do need her for the next 2 weeks. Then I plan on busting her, calling her phone in front of her. What will I do after that? Who will care for the kids? IF I find a job, then mom will help until I find someone else. If I don’t, then I will be keeping my own kiddos.

Seems there has been some reorganization with the contract I am on. April 2 is my last day….

Posted by: amica | February 19, 2010

Needing Some Rays in My Days

Its been a long…month. Mouthy RAD 12 year old. Little miss H decided to run again. She didn’t want to eat chicken…and I wasn’t trying to force her. You figure that one out. 3 year old being a 3 year old. Work is crazy. My newborn nephew was in NICU his first week. I am tired and I haven’t even thought about posting much less doing it. I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate the drizzle. I hate the constant dreariness. I need sunshine or my depression begins to rear its head more often. I logged on here today and look what I found!

Thank you my dear friend Dia – how did you know??

Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo in my post or within my blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within my post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award

So, lovely Lisa – here is to brighter days in the near future! I am so sorry for your rain cloud! And Christine! You know you are the sunshine in so many people’s lives! And Corey, thanks for planning time IN the sunshine! So wish I could join you guys! And Jeri, we haven’t met IRL yet but I know it WILL happen!

Posted by: amica | January 29, 2010

My Yesterday

Dear Newest Babysitter,

I know, I know! This traumatized kids thing is for the birds. More than that, it’s a bunch of bull that I, the crazy mama, have pulled out of my butt because there isn’t enough excitement around here. That’s ok because I don’t expect you to understand or know about therapeutic parenting or even care. What I DO expect is for you to earn the money I pay you for, I don’t know, DOING your job. This does NOT include allowing my children to roam freely about the house without supervision. It also does NOT include allowing my kids to manipulate you which is why I repeatedly ask that they be in their rooms until I get home. Because they WILL manipulate you. They WILL lie to you. They WILL push every button you have.  Teaming up with my kids and letting them play in the garage with the understanding that if mom drives up, everyone run to their rooms is NOT a good idea. Not only have you just proven to them that you CAN be manipulated, that you do not support me, that I shouldn’t be respected but you have also put my children in a situation that they were able to accomplish this. They now feel more shame and failure on top of all the negative feelings they already have. Thank you so much for not listening to me, not taking me seriously, and completely disregarding my rules. AND THEN this morning when I confront you, thank you for lying. Your lies in general are terrible and you must think I am an incredible fool to believe any of them but today, today you didn’t even make sense. I am now looking for yet ANOTHER babysitter and hopefully I will find one soon.

Dear Mr. Boss-Man,

When I need to take care of my children and you raise an eyebrow, it doesn’t affect me the way you are hoping it will. When I need to take them to therapy and you let me know how much my family issues are harming my career, I am not scared. I am sad. I am amazed. I am confused. Career? Sir, this may be your career just like the other fellas in here that have wives raising their children. But for me, it is a job that helps me with my career, which is being a parent. I need a job, it is completely necessary and I do my job well. Never have I asked for special treatment due to my family “issues”. But if you are implying that this place should be more important to me than my children, then we can never agree. I depend on an income. I don’t want to lose this one but never will anything be put before my children’s needs. So while you are worrying about this work, I am busy doing the Lord’s work. I am not playing hookey after a late night, I am trying to give everything I have to my 3 children. Trying to get them therapy and Medicaid and clothes and baths and neuro exercises and keep them in school and keep the house from being destroyed and trying to eliminate their nightmares and horrible thoughts about their memories and keep them safe and let them know they are loved and wanted and doing the dance of loving them without terrifying them with that love and trying to smile in the face of an angry hurting child that would love to hit me until they actually did and then be overcome with shame and failure and wonder how anyone could ever love them and try to do this the best I can as quickly as it can be done to avoid the possibility that one day they may not be able to live with us anymore and I can only visit them in a facility because it didn’t happen fast enough or good enough and then I am filled with shame and failure and sadness and grief at what can never be. So Mr Boss-Man this is what I come home to everyday and wake up to every morning and think about much more in the day than you want to know. Your smart remarks are nothing compared to the fear I have every moment of not being able to succeed in my career, to help my children heal.

Dear New (and now old) Therapist,

When you are asked if you are trained in attachment therapy, it is ok to say no. It is ok to be able to treat a large part of the population but not a smaller, more specific group of people. It is a waste of all our time for us to come in for a two hour session where you question me in front of my children. Where I sit and watch my son completely manipulate you and you totally fall for it. Then you turn to me and question my rules and why things have to be a certain way. No I can’t trust him to play in the front yard alone. I can’t trust him to go to the mailbox because he took matches and started fires. I know he wants to be more like a “normal” kid, I would love for that to be too but….it CAN’T happen. Why am I having to explain this to you? You are the professional and when I say stealing to my son is all the same whether it is a magazine or a TV it means I have to treat it the same too. I know kids like to sneak sweets and it it normal for them to do, but my son hoards food and steals from anyone that has anything he wants. He doesn’t understand the difference between  a cookie and a video game so don’t tell me (in front of him) to let him have cookies everyday and then he should probably stop stealing them. I wish it were that easy. And my daughter that lies should not have a point system where if she stays below her set limit of lies for the week I will take her skating. Let me break this down. My daughter doesn’t lie just to keep herself out of trouble. She lies because she can. She lies to take herself to another place because this one is too scary. She is riddled with anxiety and can’t just stop because it has a prize involved. Once again, I wish it was that easy. Second, point systems don’t work with RAD kids. I can give you 100 books and websites where you can learn all about that. Third, I know she loves skating. She loves going to many places but unfortunately I am a single mom of three children. And ALL 3 of them are unable to be unsupervised. A skating rink where there are tons of little boys for her to “play” with, for my son to be able to fill up his pockets, and a 3 year old that could get swiped at any moment is NOT my favorite place to go as the only adult. You want to see anxiety??? I know what works, what provides the safest environment for them and what I can handle easily. Don’t raise your eyebrow at that, especially in front of my children who at this point are BEAMING because you set me straight, didn’t you? They will be so sad to learn we won’t be back because for just a little while today, they manipulated another adult and watched their mom be undermined and to them, disrespected to the point that all their dreams were about to come true. They were about to rule the world. But I have to pull that rug out from under them, thanks. I can’t wait.

Dear H,

I know it’s been a long day – you have no idea how long mine has been. I know you don’t want to sleep in your bed tonight, or your room, and you want to battle this more than normal tonight. I suggest the radio and an uplifting book to fall asleep to but instead you thought puking in your bed would better convince me. Darling, the finger down the throat thing? Really? That’s ok honey, let’s strip the bed instead of getting the baby to sleep. There, bedding completely changed out, radio is on, kisses are given and…well you look happy now… you too.

The End.

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