Posted by: amica | June 27, 2010

Inability

Reflective thoughts ahead…you’ve been warned.

I had an idea of the kind of parent I wanted to be, we probably all did before having kids. I am nothing like that mom. Nothing. I did the mourning period of not having the “normal” family which meant I couldn’t be that mom I had envisioned. But lately I have realized it goes beyond that. My intentions were valid, my plans were genuine, my love is real. But what I never thought of is ability – or actually, inability. I never took into account how all my “stuff” would affect my parenting ability. I thought of my own traumas, how these were not experienced in vain, how I could help my children even more because some things we both experienced and I could understand. What a lovely silver lining little thought.

I am exhausted. Completely. Nothing my kids are handing me lately is out of the ordinary. I have actually had more days with a break in the last two months than I ever have. Granted, I am unemployed at the moment and being with my kids 24/7  is an adjustment, but I can’t see how that justifies where I am. What I am realizing is in order to be the kind of parent I dream of being…I’m not sure I am capable. That’s not a cop out because if there was a magic pill, one that gives me energy and patience and daily understanding instead of once in a while – I would spend every dime I have on that pill. I am forever coming up with plans, schedules, ideas, wishes but to carry them through, I crumble. I shut down under the pressure/weight of knowing my physical and more accurately, emotional self isn’t capable.

This doesn’t mean I can’t be a good parent. I am a good parent but I oh so badly want to be a great parent. I provide a safe and loving environment for my kids but there is so much more I want to be doing for them. Most days I feel like the pressure is stronger than I am, the weight of the world is something I feel ongoing.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I have been there several times over the last thirty years. I wasn’t capable in that moment of being the great parent I wanted to be. A combination of taking better care of myself (eating healthy, cutting back on the caffeine, regular exercise) and visualizing myself being the great mother I wanted to be just before I went to sleep, pulled me out of the pit. Maybe there is a combination that will work for you. Until you find it, don’t beat yourself up about it. Being a good parent to our kids is an accomplishment in itself. {{{Hugs}}}

  2. “I am forever coming up with plans, schedules, ideas, wishes but to carry them through, I crumble.”

    Yeah, I don’t do that. I don’t do any of that. Because then you’re just setting yourself up to fail. If it requires a plan and follow-through … I will fail.

    If we do get to pull something off using organization and actual planning ahead (without some major blow-up or intervention needed), then I am pleasantly surprised. But I never expect it.

    This weekend was a perfect example. We were going to go and do some special things. I was going to work on some shelves and, and, and, and, and. I did therapy all weekend, between two different kids. All weekend. I thought it would never end.

    Today I am hiding.

    Maybe next weekend.

    Maybe not.

    🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: