Posted by: amica | May 23, 2010

Not Really Back Yet

Hello everyone….is anyone still around? I am sorry I have been MIA. I don’t feel like I am quite back yet either. But I do feel the need to write tonight, for me.

So many things are pulling at me recently, honestly I physically feel the weight and try to find the reason!!?? Am I not sleeping well? Not enough nutrients? Allergies? Then I stop to think about everything that is going on and it slaps me….oh yes! Life…life is beating me down. I should recognize this after 34 years but…I don’t.  I never really realize when I am being attacked by stress, my body does, and even that doesn’t send off the right bells.

Micah is doing so well in some very important ways. He now hugs sincerely. He smiles more than ever. He hangs around me constantly (I won’t admit how annoying it can be) just to be near me.  These are HUGE! But….and this is a fairly large but, he also is failing almost all his core classes, has been denied to return to that school next year (that I worked so hard to get him into), is currently on a 3 day suspension, only has 5 more discipline points until he is completely expelled, has gotten SO RUDE with his mouth, questioning me and my decisions and fighting for the last word on everything.  I guess this really isn’t anything new…just add teenage attitude on to how it already was. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I let him get to me the way I do. I can’t just smile him off like I do Hannah. It bothers me when he is mad – either I need to make it better or how dare he be mad at something so selfish or silly or unimportant. I need to figure myself out on this one because I am unable to handle the situation correctly until I do. The emotion takes over all my logic. The food hoarding has halted now that there is a lock on the pantry. I am waiting to see what he replaces that need with.

Hannah is getting worse. I remember Lisa telling me awhile back about RAD kids and their pupils always being dilated when they are disregulated. I found this interesting but nothing I had ever witnessed in mine. Until the last month or so. When I pick Hannah up from school, her eyes give her away. It could be the sun but they don’t change when we get inside. I realize this is nothing compared to what many of you have experienced but she had her first meltdown a couple of weeks ago. Where I had to hold her down or at least keep her from hurting herself. I ended up with many scratches on my arms but not from her intentionally hurting me, just trying to get away. When I thought it was safe to let her go, she took off toward the gate (we were in the backyard). I told her if she opened it, I would call the police. She stopped dead in her tracks and I later told her how proud I was of her being able to control herself like that. She responded with she heard a noise that scared her and she was afraid to open the gate and see what it was. I have to do a panty check whenever a skirt is worn. A shorts check has always been in play but more recently, she is trying to get out the door with nothing underneath and also without a bra. The storytelling and fantasies are never ending. I have tried lying to her about things she could get or do and then saying, well I lied. I’ve tried giving her a re-do, I’ve tried telling her to write them in her fantasy journal. These all make her mad and take us down a bigger battle. Some of her recent stories are about kids getting hurt at school and how she is always the first one to get to them and she gets to escort them to the nurse. We are talking broken limbs. I won’t lie when I say I am afraid to ask the teacher if this is truly the case because I suspect the worse. Her need for attention is truly that great.

Ann-Ellise is in the height of tantrum season. It sounds like we have some extinct dinosaur living in our home whenever something doesn’t go her way. Horrid sounds with screeches of Get Away From Me or Leave Me Alone or Fine, I Don’t Care or something equally as adorable.  Old Na*y was having a sale today so the kids got new swimsuits. She wanted to wear hers the rest of the day here at the house so I agreed. While playing in the backyard she wanted to pee in the grass. When I wouldn’t let my aspiring redneck take a leak in our backyard she proceeded to throw a 20 min fit. She was a crumpled mess on her bedroom floor screaming at me, refusing to go to the bathroom. She’s stubborn, that one.

Having mentioned I am picking up the kids from school, I’m sure I left out the “I got laid off” part. In some ways it is a blessing because of the time I get to spend with the kids. In other ways, I find myself freaking out sometimes. I was supposed to be starting a new job at the beginning of June but just found out it fell through, the company didn’t get the contract. I wish I could find I job I would enjoy instead of these positions I am qualified for. The thought of continuing this career path makes me want to barf. I know I could be great and happy at so many things but I lack the experience on paper to get anything that could actually support my family.

Also, I have recently come to the realization that I am a food addict or something comparable. I don’t eat many times in a day but when I do, I make myself miserable. I have little control over this and I have always failed at trying. I usually last a few weeks if I am lucky but the food shows to be more powerful than me. I want to change this. NOW. I am feeling guilty, like always, that I am so weak to this. I hate my appearance but it doesn’t stop the eating cycle. I avoid mirrors, going out, meeting people, and have no energy. All because of me. My kids complain that I don’t play with them and I envision the way I want to be, the way I want/used to look. I miss that girl.

I am also tired of just being a mom. I know that sounds horrible. I don’t mean that being a mom isn’t wonderful. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I get to be a co-worker sometimes and a daughter sometimes or sister. But mainly I am a mom. I am not a friend much of the time due to time constraints. This is really a big one for me because my pre-mom life was always about my friendships – just as dear to me as my family. I now know what their parts in my life played in my happiness. I am not a girlfriend or a wife. For years…and years. Due to my own hang-ups and time constraints and….it is hard not having someone in the house to replenish me. I love and adore my children but they take and very, very rarely give. That’s ok, it isn’t their job to do that. But there are very few conversations outside of those with my kids, there are never adult, non-related, non-platonic, hugs and kisses. I never realized how much someone needs to have that.  We aren’t made to go without nurturing and above all the things I have listed above, this is the one I think that is making the largest impact on me.

I am in the middle of an empty feeling time and I know it will pass. I know things will shift. I know I am whining…

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Responses

  1. I kind of think we might be long-lost twins! The eating, the career regrets, the occasional desire to just let someone else handle something once in a while… I can’t even imagine how you do it. I’m a single mom of one RADlet and I know how hard it can be. And my kid is doing relatively okay right now. How you do it with two, plus a pre-schooler, I simply cannot imagine. And I agree – as much as I avoided relationships for the last few years, sometimes it would be nice to have a partner in this adventure. Although then again I can’t imagine many guys who would understand our kids… Talk about putting a strain on a relationship.

    Anyway, hang in there – you’re doing great. It WILL get better. And then it will get worse, and then better again, and such is life. Oh, and the eating thing? I just got out all my summer clothes and realized that most of them don’t fit, so my response was to eat an entire half-gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream…

  2. It is so good to here from you again! I have been looking for you. Hang in there- It will get better- I promise. You are doing a great Job! {{{Hugs}}}

  3. It was so good to talk to you the other day–we definitely have to make time to do that more often!

    I don’t think it’s at all horrible to get tired of being “just a mom”. I feel that way, and I’ve only got one little one in the house. I cannot imagine how much the stress & frustration gets compounded with THREE kids, two of whom have special needs. You spend so much time doing for others that it’s hard to find time to do anything for yourself.

    Sigh.

    I wish I had advice or answers, but all I can offer is this. I love you, I’m praying for you, and I believe in you!

  4. Clear out the floor and have a hissy fit. Hey! It works for me. 🙂

    Then go eat ice cream.

    Love & hugs darlin!

  5. It’s so good to hear from you here! You can always run away from home… my house has a spare room… 🙂 Big hugs!

  6. So glad you’re posting again, now if I just had time for reading…

    I feel like we’re soul sisters a lot of the times (but I’m the older one since I’m farther along in the process – just because my kids are older I guess). I do have a Hubby, but we’re usually like two ships passing in the night so I don’t feel that much different from you there, I just feel I have one more person to feel guilty about failing.

    I’m supposed to be job hunting too, but I don’t know how I’m going to find the time with the kids always draining.

    Anyway, just wanted to say, Hugs and Prayers,

    Marythemom
    I too feel like I can forgive my daughter for things that if/when done by my son tick me off and make me crazy.


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