Posted by: amica | September 5, 2009

My First Child

M was my “first” child. He came to live with me first, even if it were only by a couple of weeks. Our first weekend we went to the park, he was 6. He was adorable and aloof but I knew he just needed a “mom’s” touch since he had been living with his grandfather the past 4 years. I had no mom experience but I remember asking my own mom just a couple of months later, why was this so hard for people? What was so hard about hugging M and H, tucking them in with a story or song, feeding them regularly, having them on a schedule, getting them to school dressed, and making them smile? What was so difficult that these babies hadn’t ever experienced these things? By several people, not just one inadequate person, but many! This wasn’t hard and I thought it would be enough.

At the park, M wanted ice cream and a man was selling some. I literally had no cash and I to tell M no. As the ice cream man approached, he looked right at M and asked if he wanted any. M hung his head and said, “My Mommy says no.” Mommy? Mommy! My heart melted as I now know he hoped it would. I dug in my purse and gathered enough pennies and nickles to buy an ice cream for the adorable boy that called me Mommy on our first weekend. He didn’t call me that again for 2 years. 

 He also fell on the play equipment that day and we had to rush to the ER for 7 stitches. I couldn’t get him out of the car. I begged and reasoned and he clung to the seat belt. My mom arrived, moved me out of the way, grabbed the seat belt from him and carried him inside the hospital as I stood there dumbfounded.  His grandfather arrived with the medicaid card and M and I were already in the stitches area. I went back out to the waiting room and left the two of them together. I was so upset and feeling guilty and lost that I knew I would be no help to him. As I was walking down the hall, I heard the Dr ask if this was too much for “Mom” ? More guilt… We left later and I just knew someone was gonna pull my mom card right after it had been issued. But they didn’t and I am still in possession of it all these years later. It’s tattered and has tear stains and looks like it has been throught the laundry a few times but it is still mine. I carry it proudly, as my badge of honor for all to see, close to my heart.

My first child will be 12 in a couple of days. He isn’t a whole lot different from that little boy in the park. He is (much) taller and has grown so handsome. We both know a lot more about one another, some good and some not. I am so proud to be his mom and I hope that one day, he will see the amazing person that I see.  Happy (early) Birthday M!

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Responses

  1. Happy b-day M!

    No one could ever pull your mom card. You’re much too fabulous!

  2. That is indeed what we wish for these incredible kids of ours: that they will come to see the amazing person we see when we look at them. Happy birthday to your oldest, and congratulations to you on that tattered mom card.

  3. You my friend are indeed incredible! I have watched, listened and read about all of your progress along this difficult journey. You have come a long, long way.

    You also have permission not to be perfect, none of us are. We all practice “life skills” all of our lives. We get plenty of chances and do-over’s.

    I’m very proud of you.

    God Bless,

    Mike

    ACT


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