Posted by: amica | June 29, 2009

Clueless

Can I have a round of applause for M – he has graciously taken the spotlight off H and placed it upon himself.  Unintentionally.

First, I’ll back up to Thursday morning, bright and early.  As soon as I get up, I notice the laundry room door is open.  I know I closed it the night before because the dryer was on. I immediately go to M’s bedroom door, which is closed with the alarm OFF. I opened the door and he was there, sleeping like an angel.  I went to look for the laptop and it didn’t take long to find, it was sitting right there for me to see with the power cord lying on top. I went to the history and it was what I expected. Porn sites, over 3 hours worth.  I went and woke him up.  “Late night honey?” He said yes.  I told him to get on up, he had a busy day ahead. I asked about the password protection and he said he had watched my fingers type it enough times from across the room that he figured it out…WTH?? Ok – laptop is now locked up every night.  Anyway, for the next three hours I had him doing busy work, laundry, dishes, baseboards, pulling weeds, trash duty, all the while with my voice dripping with honey. The babysitters showed up on time and I explained the situation.  I needed them to watch the girls so I could follow M around. 

After lunch, I told them I was going to buy a louder alarm for M’s door.  I went to Radio Shack, Lowes, Home Depot, Sears, and just as I was directed to the Radio Shack across town, I got a call from home.  The ceiling light cover in the laundry room was busted and the baby missed falling debris by inches.  H said AE threw a flip flop at a bug and accidentally hit the light causing it to break.  H was found on the washing machine holding a spring rod. I asked if everyone was ok and then told them to put H in her room to read, with the alarm on until I got home.  I drive the 15 min across town and was in Radio Shack where the guy was showing me how loud the alarm was.  Another call from home.  H had kicked out the window screen and was gone.  I told the babysitter to call the police and I was on my way. The guy cut me in line so I could quickly purchase the alarm and I headed home.  The previous 15 min drive was now taking close to 30 min due to 5 o’clock traffic.  I called my mom to freak out so I could put on my not-a-big-deal-face when I got home.  About 2 miles away I called the babysitter for an update.  They had not called the police because they thought I said I was going to…. They did have the entire neighborhood looking for her though. I called 911 and had to say she had been gone for at least a 1/2 hour.  I got home and they were right, the entire neighborhood was in my driveway. All friend’s houses had been checked as well as the school grounds and park. 

About five min later, 2 police cars pulled up. The first guy got out and I began walking to him.  I heard someone behind me say, there she is.  I looked and she was getting out of the second car. I played it cool, walking toward her and giving her a hug.  She immediately crumbled.  I heard the officer say a man had found her, had her wait in his car while he called the police.  Ms Joe Cool went out the window. “You got into the car with a stranger baby??”  He was a nice man, momma and it was hot outside! was her reply.  I said nothing, I just held her with horrific visions running through my head.  After a minute I asked one of the babysitters to take her inside so I could speak to the police. The first officer stopped her and was telling her not to do that again.  The other officer asked me who were the babysitters?  I pointed them out and he asked to speak to my more privately.  We went to his car and he began to explain the she told him how they were mean to her, don’t care about her, and she was mad at them and ran away.  I told him that she suffers from RAD, explaining that she was a traumatized child that has been working on getting me mad at the babysitters and vice versa.  He told me how bright H is and I agreed and I also told him how she just told the babysitters 2 days before that I steal all of her and M’s money and that’s how I can afford to pay them. He said they were about to call CPS when they got my call cause H couldn’t remember her way home.  He was abrupt with me once he could tell I wasn’t going to fall for the evil babysitter tale. I could see the thoughts in his expression – how I didn’t care, didn’t believe her, this poor little girl.  What could I do though? I know he could tell I was concerned with her running and ending up in some man’s car.  That was enough for me.

I went in and she and I talked.  H has never been allowed to play outside alone for the mere fact that she doesn’t understand not to talk to or go with strangers.  She has been told over and over, I have shown her the neighborhood map of all the child predators near us, she has been grounded in the past for talking to strangers, etc.  She.doesn’t.get.it.  I told her again but I didn’t drill her, what’s the point? We talked but it was words – me reminding her of the dangers, she telling me how the babysitters are plotting against her. Together, we installed an alarm on her window. I also installed M’s new extremely loud alarm on his door.  It was a sleepless night.

We had therapy Friday afternoon and came home.  We were meeting my mom later that evening so she could take the kids for the weekend.  Momma needed a break! I heated up leftovers for dinner.  H chose something different than M and AE.  After she finished her meal, she asked if she could have some of what they were having.  I agreed and told her only to get what she would eat. I stressed that she would eat all of what she got; she likes to waste food. M and AE were finished and wanted to play so we all went to the backyard.  H sat at the table on the porch to finish her food.  Three bites later, she wanted to save it for later.  I told her they were leaving for a few days so it wouldn’t save.  Besides, we talked about it before and she agreed to eat all that she got.

But mooooom, it’s so hot out here.  Oh sweetie, then move over here in the shade.  But mooooom, I can’t move over there because of ants.  I checked it out for her, no ants sweetie! But moooom, I’ll just go sit inside and eat it. (near the trashcan, I’m sure).  No darling, that isn’t an option. But mooooom, crossing legs, I have to go to the bathroom!!!  Oh okay honey, let’s go. NOOOOO! You can’t go with me!! But why honey?  Because I can’t go if you are in there!  Sweetie, you go every morning while I am in there, I can’t understand why today would be any different. She proceeded to yell at me about how she was going to go in her pants and it would be all my fault.  I told her I don’t mind cleaning it up but I wasn’t stopping her from going. She said she was going to run away again because I was making her mad. I said all the more reason I needed to go with her. Over and over this went on.  I continued to ask, are you going to eat or are you going to the bathroom? It’s your choice. Fingers in her ears, screaming, I am sure the neighbors had a few thoughts. She got louder and louder and I was speaking so softly the entire time. She said the chips would get gross while she was in the bathroom and I would make her eat them anyway.  I told her I was an awesome mom and would replenish her chips if that happened (nachos). She said she wet herself so I said let’s go clean you up. She screamed that she only said that so I would leave her alone.

She finally took off running into the house. I was right behind her.  I said, oh that’s ok, I can run too.  Running through the house, running through the house. She got to the bathroom and tried to slam the door on me! That’s okay, honey, I know you didn’t mean to. She sat there for 20 min NOT being able to go – and it was all my fault.  I looked at the time and knew this couldn’t continue.  I told her I would put the food in some Tupperware and she could eat it on the way.

We loaded up and she picked at the food.  Not wanting her to be sick, I told her she could have it for breakfast.  She was so happy. We got to the meeting place, I loaded up the kids, got their stuff switched from my car to my mom’s, filled up with gas, and got an alternate route on the tomtom (since I had seen there was a wreck on my way back).  I told the kids bye and was on my way.  Not 5 min later I looked down in the floorboard and there.was.the.food. AGHHHHH!!!  I called my mom and asked to speak with H.  I told her thank you SO much for leaving her food for me, I was SO hungry and what a sweetheart to think about me! She gave a halfhearted you’re welcome and we hung up.

I went and got the girls yesterday; M is staying with my parents this week for Fun With the Grandparents week. I was planning to swap he and AE next Sunday; we are going to stay at a cabin on the lake Sun – Tues.

I have a friend coming to visit later this week and she is bringing her 2 daughters.  Last night I was changing sheets on all the beds when I found a surprise under M’s mattress. Remember, I cleaned his room OUT not 2 weeks ago and there was nothing under that mattress.  See stated evidence below:

mattress

Here is what I found: 1 Miracle in the Making book, 1 stolen PSP form the old baby sitter’s grandson, 1 lighter, 1 box of matches, 1 hammer, 3 syringes of teeth whitener from my dentist for ME, 2 spice bottles, 1 crappy old laptop that doesn’t have network access, 1 DVD for my video camera, 1 bottle Gorilla Glue, 1 used spoon, and 1 cover to the back of a remote.

I sent the picture to my mom and had her put him on the phone while showing him the picture.  I wasn’t calling so he could enlighten me, I just wanted him to know that I found it.  He gave pretty rational explanations for each of the items, several that I did not believe.  All I said basically was that this isn’t helping with the trust factor. What else could I say that I haven’t said before?

Mom asked if she needed to do anything about it.  I told her hell if I know, this is getting so beyond me.  I told her I thought he should be punished by me for things he does at home.  If he does anything at her house, by all means, treat accordingly. I am calling him today to let him know that I can’t trust him to go to the lake with us. I have no idea if he would steal from my friend but I don’t want to pat him down the whole time. For those days, he will be in respite at my parent’s home.

I wonder about H too – she hasn’t been on her best behavior lately (understatement) and although I am 99% sure she would be fine, am I rewarding her for bad behavior by letting her go? My parents have offered for them all to stay there but I hate placing that upon them.  I am not sure what to do but I know that M is not going.

This sucks.

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Responses

  1. I’m sorry – soooooooo sorry.

    Nodding my head til its flopping off, just reading through the whole food, gonna-wet-my-pants debacle. How do they all sneak off without us knowing and take an identical “RAD Behaviors” class?? 🙂

  2. fWell this just sucks. I’m so sorry and I know it feels like they are ganging up on you. That’s cause they are. 😉

    You will prevail because you’re an awesome mom.

    Just to be on the safe side though I’d do a room search every night. Matches and hammers….that’s scary.

  3. Yikes! They have the burners turned on high huh! I love that you called to let her know you were enjoying her chips since you were so hungry but didnt know it. LOL!
    I am on the fence when it comes to crummy behavior vs rewarding behavior with a cool trip. I think the kids dont and wont see the connection and it wont go one way or the other the next time something happens. Like the next time the opportunity to steal something cool that makes fire comes around, is the kid really going to stop and think, oh crap I shouldnt do this just in case I get caught and in another week I won’t be able to do something fun. Too much logic and information processing involved I think. JMO.
    Respite is different though, when you need a break you NEED a break and I am guessing that you probably needed one for a long time!

  4. I’m with Lisa about the room check. I had to inventory ALL our tools, etc. AND I do pat them down when we leave the house and return (NOT every single time but VERY often.) NOTHING comes in without inspection (i.e. school backpacks) or leaves. It is a pain to do but it keeps them safe (and the rest of us.) I think I would take H. if she hasn’t done anything else to you. SHe may have to do restitution for the previous bad behavior but otherwise….sounds like you should let her come along. Hang in there.

  5. We still go through this often, but we’ve never put alarms on the doors (probably a big mistake on our part). Your photo looks so familiar, screwdrivers and knives for “protection,” stolen electronics equipment – now broken, and rotten food, empty wrappers and dishes. When confronted he had “NEVER” stolen anything he had excuses for it all, and he was mad at you for accusing him and not believing him.

    I searched regularly, changed all the passwords, made him carry a clear backpack, never let him go anywhere but school alone… still couldn’t stop the lying and stealing. He even managed to sneak and use chewing tobacco during the 6 months he was in residential treatment center. He started hiding stuff in other places when confronted with me finding things he’d hidden in his room. Stealing things and hiding them far away to see if anyone noticed they were gone. If no one noticed he’d start using it after a couple of weeks.

    These behaviors did decrease after we got his correct diagnoses and medications. We still do searches and let him know he will be the first one we suspect. If proven he has to pay back double, and goes in the FAIR Club.

    Mary in Texas

  6. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.


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