Posted by: amica | June 22, 2009

Keep Talking

Went to therapy Friday afternoon. I went first cause ya know, the Doc is trying to help me de-stress. Started my 2nd neuro feedback session and I had a panic blurp – this is not uncommon as I have had Panic Disorder for uhhhh, like 14 years.  Haven’t had a full blown attack in 5 or more years due to good drugs. I do, however, still get what I call blurps which I guess are just individual symptoms here and there. Anyway, had the one I hate which is much pressure on the head, so much that it feels like someone is pushing my head with a couple of their fingers and my head actually moves.  She asked WTH, basically. She said, ya know, panic doesn’t mess with the brain waves.  Apparently my brain waves went Craaaa-zy after that blurp and didn’t come back around by the end of the session.  You know those clips they put on your finger to monitor the oxygen in your blood and you hear the beeps which represent your heartbeat? Neuro feedback does this too with the beeps but representing something with the brain activity.  Mine went from a pretty stable rhythm to beep……beep……….. …………….beep……..beep…………………………..beep.  I asked if my brain was giving out, ha! ha! haaa…  She said I need to see a neurologist because she suspects a seizure disorder and some seizure disorders can appear to be panic attacks…Hummm.  I replied, “See if I come here for relaxation anymore! ” Anyway, I’ll look into this.

After therapy and finding MORE pee in the baby’s potty, I get H to clean it out and put it in the garage so we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.  She argued that it wasn’t her and I can promise you, it was.  This isn’t a gut feeling, I know for a fact that she did.  I just smiled and kept responding, I understand, I understand.  She began to escalate, spewing lots of talk about being thought of as a liar and no one believes her, etc. I sat her down next to me on the bed, cupped her face in my hands and told her to keep talking. She was crying that I don’t freak out when she gets hurt but if M or AE do, I am very upset for them.  I told her to keep talking. At this point she was talking faster, crying harder, making no sense in her complaints but I told her to keep talking, that I was here and she was safe. Then she yelled, I AM SO MAD!  I told her I understood, it was ok and scream if she needed to.  She said no because what if she scared the baby or the neighbors heard or she got used to screaming and accidentally did it at school and the teacher got mad and sent her to the principle and they called me and I had to leave work to come to get her???  I said she sure had many reasons she couldn’t scream. She nodded and I told her she needed to look at what she was doing, peeing in the baby potty, stuffing cotton way down in her ears, causing damage around the house, etc. Until that moment she hadn’t admitted to any of it.  She then looked up at me, with those big blue eyes all red and teary, and nodded knowingly. I told her we would have good days and we would have bad days and we would even have boring old normal days but no matter what, I am here. I will hold her hand the whole way…and I will.

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Responses

  1. Beautiful… what a blessed girl H is!

  2. Awesome! It sounds like you handled that beautifully. I’m sure H felt it too.

  3. Way to go awesome mom! You did this wonderfully! Sounds like you reached an important place with H.

  4. When are you going to the neurologist?

  5. oh well, ya know…eventually, I guess. We have therapy again on Friday so we’ll see if it was just a glitch! 😉

  6. Glitch! Sweetheart this is no time for Mom to go into denial about her own problems. Especially if they are health related. Seeing a doctor to make sure it wasn’t a glitch is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids. How are they going to handle it if you ignore this — waiting, waiting, waiting — and suddenly you have a full blown siezure? Get it checked out and hopefully it is not a seizure disorder and that can leave the back of your mind and not send you into a panic the next time you feel that way again. Just like with the kids, be proactive and positive for yourself too. After all, you need to be there for your kids and they definately need you healthy and whole to support them so they can heal, grow and blossom.


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