Posted by: amica | June 8, 2009

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

M informed me yesterday that he hates me because I’m not her (birth mom). He says he thinks about hurting me…often.  When I asked if he could/would hurt his sisters, he said, “I’ve said too much and you make my life miserable as it is.” I may be naive, but I don’t believe, at this time, he would actually hurt me.  I do believe he has thought about it. We talked a long time, whether it helped or not, who knows. It ended by me asking if he would be forever unhappy as long as I love him.  He said yes and I told him to get ready because he was choosing a lifetime of misery.  I gave him a big ole hug and said some silly things.  He was fine after that.

Got home from work today and the babysitter informed me that a switchblade fell out of M’s pocket.  He says, when I asked, that a friend of his left it in our garage and he was afraid if he told me, I would think he stole it.  That friend hasn’t been over here in months, so I called his mom.  She is going to get back to me after she speaks to her son…he does have some pocket knives though.  Stole it, didn’t return it, hid it, HAD it, all things wrong I explained to him.  He is unhappy with me again.  Probably fantasizing of ways to torture me.



  1. I remember the day my daughter looked so sad, because she fantasized about sneaking into our room at night and bashing my teeth in with a hammer … but she knew I’d wake up and stop her.

    You just have to say, “Yeah, I’m so sorry that wouldn’t work out for you.”

    Things you never thought you’d hear yourself discussing as a mother …

  2. My four and a half year old did come into my room with a steak knife on 3 separate occasions in the middle of the night with the thought of killing me. She would tell me she hated me and wanted to kill me. She doesn’t seem to remember that now but her anger was directed at the one person who gave her away (a paternal aunt). My now ten year old son says he hates me and that he will kill me but only in his moments of greatest anger. When I bring it up when he isn’t angry he says he thinks about it because I am keeping him from his birth mom. I have tried suggesting the anger is towards her for not raising him and he seems to get it. Sometimes now he tells me I make him think about her and he wishes I had been his birthmom. I think it’s all mucked up in there for them. Be watchful and thoughtful but also be matter-of-fact in talking with him about it as Christine suggests. And of course, keep the love coming!

  3. Oh yeah….this wasn’t a discussion I thought I’d have either. Funny thing about life. It’s never what you expect….

  4. We’ve dealt a lot with weapons because my son never felt safe (tools and knives hidden in his bed, stolen/borrowed pocket knives…). We’ve been very lucky in that he has never tried to hurt us unless he was angry and “in the moment” (fight, flight or freeze). He never used any weapon against us or anyone else, except for his fists and his words (not that those weren’t formidable). His use of weapons seemed to come more from fear of others trying to hurt him and needing to protect himself. I know we are blessed in that. (That seems crazy doesn’t it?! But I know the RAD moms “get it.”)

    As my son feels safer (treatment for bipolar -meds, and treatment for PTSD – therapy and EMDR therapy, plus the knowledge that no matter how bad he got we never hurt him and we kept bringing him back), we see less and less of the behaviors that scared us and him so badly. I second other’s advice, keep talking about it. Acknowledge his feelings – all of them. And keep yourself very safe. He needs to know that you are on his side and in control.

    Mary in Texas

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