Through the Eyes of Love

Silly, silly me! Nothing major happened?  Of course not, nothing major that I KNEW ABOUT! I still believe my children at times and this has allowed me to think things were at a lull.  I want so badly to believe them, that they are doing the right things that I miss what is right in front of me.  Last week, after finding those DVDs under my son’s bed, I asked (I know, I know) where they came from.  He said they were his friend’s.  Knowing that those two were always sneaking their items back and forth, I didn’t find that hard to believe.  This particular friend moved away a couple of months ago so there was no way to return them.  I don’t know where they moved to and furthermore, they left in a huff – at something my son had introduced her son to.  She had a right to be upset.  I let his explanation go at that.  I had mentioned to the babysitter what the movies were and one she had rented but claimed she had returned so it wasn’t hers.  Tonight I get a call.  Netflix contacted her that the movie was never returned and she was checking to see if I had ever found out who the one I have belonged to. So, in my new smartness, I just told my son that the babysitter called and she needed the movie back or she was going to be charged late fees.  I never asked, I never even hinted that I was accusing him – I was just matter-of-fact.  He said ok, he would return it to her.  I had earlier explained some new things (I’ll get to that in a minute) that were going to happen and he had really fought me on it.  At this point when I told him that I would return the movie, I looked at him lovingly and said, now you see why things have to change.  He nodded…She and I will determine his restitution.

Why am I still shocked at each new crisis?  My dad came to weed eat today, because I am a weak wuss that can’t man-handle that thing, and he found that the lawn mower gas tank was filled with dirt.  I turned on the garbage disposal this morning and had to go feeling around in all that gunk at what was stuck in there – QUARTERS! I never immediately think of them, it just comes to me later. I am still blind to them and what they are capable of but at least I am no longer naive.  I now know it could be them.  Someday I will automatically know it is them.

So much has been happening in the past couple of days – I spoke with lovely Lisa today.  I explained my confusion, that I jumped off with both feet and now feel more overwhelmed than ever.  She logically explained that I needed to start with the simple things.  They obviously can not do anything that I request of them.  They do it wrong or half-ass or not at all.  FOR 5 YEARS.  I kept thinking, it’s a pain but it will change…ummm, yeah.  So today I did what she suggested.  Nothing but keep them with me at all times.  Eating together, playing outside together, even bathing with one in the hall while the other was in the tub.  I supplied the shampoo and soap so it couldn’t be used up in 2 days.  I gave the towels so the floor wasn’t soaked and they actually dried off.  I even washed H’s hair so that is was done correctly.  They hated the thought at first but honestly didn’t complain much.  When we sat in the hall, whichever one it was, we talked.  M and I about scars and how we got them, H and I about dogs.  It was nice alone time that I rarely used to get while running around like a mad woman trying to keep up with them all. M did ask me if people really lived this way, treating their kids like prisoners….isn’t he adorable??? No chores for them at this time.  I started searching craigslist for a house keeper for a couple of times a month that I could afford.  I am not about to put all the housework plus taking care of them on myself.  No one will accomplish anything then. Another of Lisa’s suggestions is to have one go to bed at 7:30 and the other at 8, switching each night. I love this idea, cuddle/quality time with one without having to worry (much) about what the other is up to.  Didn’t happen tonight because the time got away from me, but that’s ok.  There is always tomorrow.  I can do this, I realized.  It won’t be forever and yes, it is extreme to outsiders I’m sure but I finally felt in control tonight.  We will add things as they and I are ready and until then, I have 4 new growths – M, H, baby, and dog. We have to wrestle to all fit down the hall but it is comical and not frustrating at this point.  THANK YOU LISA!!!

On another note, Lisa introduced me to a wonderful man many weeks ago.  Mike Groomer, the co-founder of Advocates for Children of Trauma (http://www.hopeforhealingtrauma.com/index.htm). He has been an amazing resource and a great friend on this journey.  I spoke with him last night, explaining my continued difficulty of finding a therapist and how the system is working against me.  He said he would help and he wasn’t kidding.  Today he contacted Community Resource Coordination Groups,  Presbyterian Children’s Homes and Services, The Honorable Jane Nelson (Texas Senator), along with many other of his contacts.  People began to call ME. Nothing firm yet but the ball is definitely rolling.  This network is amazing!! Who does that? I am continually humbled by the outpouring of support I am receiving, including all of you. It doesn’t seem like much in return but thank you, again!