Posted by: amica | April 9, 2009

Unexpected Meltdown

Thank you!  Thank you for all of your support! I can honestly say that if you awesome moms weren’t telling me that this works, I would have stopped already. Not because I don’t want to help my kids but because of the pain. 

Two years ago when I had my first (and last) biological child, I unfortunately experienced some postpartum depression.  For the first time I felt so connected to someone that I literally felt her pain. When she cried, every time she cried, my soul ached, my heart ripped at the seams.  There was no letting her cry it out if I had wanted to, the pain was horrible. Luckily that only lasted a few months but I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again.

Yesterday, at dinner, my little H was once again having problems sitting in her chair correctly. The day before I had simply gone over, asked her to stand, and removed the chair.  She didn’t like it but she got over it fairly quickly.  I did the same thing again yesterday but this time she began to wail.  I told her she could either stop crying and continue the meal with us or she needed to go to her room until we finished eating.  She began to argue, and explain, and plead, and tell me how her 8 year old little legs were hurting so bad after standing for two minutes. I told her to go to her room. She took off running, stopped in the next room, turned to me, and screamed in the highest shrill I have ever heard, “I HATE YOU!!!” Then she ran to her room and slammed her door.  I was in shock.  Once again my soul lurched and my heart crumbled.  Not so much because of the words but because of the pain and anger from which it came.  I have never seen that child express more anger than a rolling of the eyes or a stomping of the feet in 5 years.  I just sat there.  When I turned back around I saw tears running down M’s face.  I asked what he was feeling and he said, “Why do you have to be so mean, she just wanted to sit down???” I reiterated that some of the changes they will like and others they won’t but always remember I am trying to help them either way. About then H came running in the kitchen and dove into my arms. “Mommy, I am so sorry! I don’t know why I said that, it just came out before I could stop it!  I didn’t mean it Mommy, I love you, I really do!” I told her how sorry I was that she was so upset and I understood she was angry.  I also pointed out that they both have a bunch of anger trapped inside that needed to get out so they wouldn’t carry it around forever.  I wanted to help them with that.  They seemed to understand and I told H that if she could sit in her chair properly, I would love her to join us again for dinner.  Things were fine after that.  We played and laughed and all was well. The cuddle time later with H and I was so special, she was clinging to me. We didn’t even speak, we just held each other and rocked.

I still have to remind myself daily that I am doing the right thing.  I hate seeing their pain but I know I have to help them release that pain and not continue to let them keep it locked inside. The support of all of you, friends and RAD moms, means more than I can ever say. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

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Responses

  1. Oh, that just breaks my heart! You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing!


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