Posted by: amica | March 30, 2009

Here we go

My kids are my world.  Whether I like it or not.  This sounds horrible but in all honesty, there are days that I miss much of my pre-mom life.  I miss my figure, I miss sleeping, I miss silence, I miss being spontaneous and lazy and irresponsible. I miss changing my mind at the last minute and vegging on the couch after work or talking on the phone uninterrupted. Yes, I miss many things.  Who I wanted to be.  The girl that wasn’t quite so beat down like this woman is.  I miss my unfulfilled dreams and time spent on my passions. Yes, there is so much I miss but I wouldn’t trade any of these for my kids.  OK, some days I would, but not most days.

I have 3 beautiful children – some from my womb, some not, but all in my heart.  No daddy around here for these guys – I wish I could’ve chosen men better but fact is, I didn’t.  Maybe one day but I am betting it won’t be in the near future.  Not pessimistic, just thinking that if Mr. Wonderful isn’t hiding under my desk at work, in a closet at the house, or in the glove compartment I am not likely to meet him. And this isn’t the dream package over here.  Single mom. Correction: Single, tired, frustrated, hair is a constant mess, gave up on shaving much, chipped toenail polish, uses food as a source of happiness, mom.  Along with her come 3 kids ages 11, 8, and 2 and the majority of them have emotional baggage that requires visits with the sweet blonde, skinny therapist lady, constant supervision and swinging behaviors that make teachers and other parents look at mom as the problem. Oh, let’s not forget this package includes no child support for 2 out of 3 kids and a mom that isn’t the best financial whiz.  (shopping! – If I can’t feel pretty, I can decorate the house!) Did I mention that all 3 kids have 3 different dads…and 2 moms.  We all have different last names – you should see the looks I get at the doctor’s office! What man wouldn’t jump at that deal?? Not really worried though, I can admit it – I am unable to put up with, clean up after, and “nag” one more person in my life. 

My kids aren’t horrible, they are actually the opposite.  In the three of them, they encompass vivid imaginations, amazing intelligence, the ability to see the world in a way I never have, humor – oh, the humor! – charm, talent, sensitivity, and traits that can cause me to stop and stare in awe.  They don’t individually possess all of these; each child contains a wonderful blend. They possess other types of behaviors that also make me stop and stare in awe…just not in the same type of awe.  More of a horror or a state of confusion. 

It’s the ups and downs that make our family what it is.  I am just learning about RAD.  There have been noticable problems over the past 5 years but no one was able to give it a name.  Now they have and with that comes relief. I can now learn how to help my kids heal and there is an actual chance that they WILL heal.  I am not the failure parent I believed I was and now I have a plan.

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Responses

  1. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you and the kids. Your strength, grace, and courage never cease to amaze me. I can’t imagine how hard this is, but if there’s anyone on this earth who can rise to this challenge, it’s you. Please, please let us know if you need anything!! Big hugs to all…

  2. I am and always have been in awe of you and the many things you accomplish and endure in your life. You are an amazing person and I wish you the very best in your newest challenges. I wish there were some words of wisdom or encouragement I could pass on to you but I am left with only my thoughts for you and your family. I know I am not always there but you are ALWAYS in my thoughts! Let me know if you need to talk, or vent, or just escape to another time and place for an hour or four. Love ya!!

  3. Sweetheart – You are an amazing, loving, beautiful and strong woman and a wonderful God-chosen mother! After all, if not lead to this life you now lead by the Will of God, how else would you have been able to save, nuture and develop these very worthy and special children? Never doubt that you are doing what you should and never, ever think you have failed. The love, hope and knowledge you see shining from your children’s eyes and the pride and awe you feel having them in your life and being a witness to their ups and downs and accomplishments surely serves to remind you of the immense difference and life changing circumstances your decisions have made in the lives of your precious children. But for you, what kind of life would they have had? You have given them safety, compassion, love and hope — and you have given and continue to give them a shining example of inner strength and courage to face whatever comes at them and to succeed because it is a worthy cause and they are strong, strucutred, kind and loving children who will grow into accomplished and compassionate adults. You have changed each of their worlds — and they will do the same as they grow into adults.

    Know that you are doing what you were meant to do — you may not have seen it as a plan for yourself – but certainly it is more than enough to know your kids are thriving and growing to wholeness and happiness each day they are with you – through your influence, guidance and love.

    If you need encouragement or just a sounding board, please call me anytime.

    Love you – all of you. Kiss the kids for me.

  4. Thanks so much for including me. I’m excited to be here. Hang in there honey! It’s going to be a bumpy ride but you can do this!


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