M and I are home alone today. The plan was to go see a movie with my parents, all of us, today. The adults had decided that before we went on our holiday excursion and I didn’t tell the kiddos, of course. The day before we left, M was on the laptop typing up his research paper and I was next to him, monitoring helping. My mom calls and says she wants me to grab a couple of items from the kitchen to bring on the trip. I go into the next room that although I can see M, I could not see the monitor. 5 minutes. Maybe. I come back, he hasn’t progressed in his paper, he says he needs a starter sentence from me. I then explain about the movie and if he couldn’t get the paper done that evening, it would be fine because he and I could stay home so he could finish it while everyone else went to the movie. He got it done, and it was done well. Days goes on, tuck in the kiddos, go to bed myself. Sleep is about to take over when OH.MY.GOODNESS!  I scrambled to the livingroom, almost forgetting to turn off the house alarm/motion detector. Open laptop, look into history and THERE IT WAS. 5 minutes. For 5 minutes he looked at porn. In the livingroom. With me smiling at him from the kitchen. His sisters playing in the floor in front of him. He clearly had been thinking about it, wondering if he would have an opportunity, and took it as soon as I left the couch. Giving him that 5 minutes is totally my fault. I am still continuing to give my kids the benefit of the doubt and it is harming them. I didn’t say anything to him the entire trip, didn’t want him to not try to behave if that was his plan. The trip was good. M really handled himself well for the most part and I was able to head off H’s conversations before there were too many raised eyebrows. We played hide-and-seek in the dark with flashlights in the middle of the county, fed horses, and Santa even came to visit AE at my cousin’s house. I got to see my grandparents and have a wonderful visit. The ride home was looong and we arrived in Austin at about midnight last night. I had already planned to drive the remaining 1.5 hours home and when I told M he was coming with me, he never batted an eye. Once in the car, I asked if he knew why he wasn’t getting to stay. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. Oh no, if you can do the crime, you can own up to it. He cried and I said I hope we can find a way to help him stop and he said him too. So he has pulled some weeds and swept and is helping me with laundry. It is a nice day, for both of us. Probably not the best punishment but he really enjoys one on one time with me even if it is because he is in trouble.

Ok, so I’ve decided to jump in this round of Too True Tuesday and Essie says todays’ topic is:

So the subject of this weeks TTT is, your least favorite holiday and why. And just for fun and balance, your favorite holiday and why.

Well, I would have to say that any of the holidays that require forced gatherings with people you happen to be related to have never been on my “Favorite Holiday List.” Although there are some wonderful people who I am proud to call family, there are also some that are not…nice. Growing up, Thanksgiving and Christmas times were not pleasant. My parents were always stressed and fighting, and there was usually a long drive filled with smart remarks and snarling shared among my parents, sister, and I. Then we would arrive at a relative’s home where we would all jump out of the car laughing and hugging everyone and ohhh and ahhhh and it.was.so.fake. The cousins were there and we were supposed to play together and leave the adults alone which was fine except some of my cousins were not….nice. After many hours of boredom and irritation, we loaded back up into the car, and listened to the complaints of everyone’s behaviors and idle gossip. I always looked forward to the gossip part.

Now that I am an adult and have children, it is different. The gatherings are much smaller and I like all the people there. We’ve all learned how to get along much better and the stress really isn’t there. The food is good, I don’t have to cook for almost a week after, and work is always a big lighter during the holiday season.

I would have to  say my favorite holiday has always been Christmas (minus that whole family gathering part). The build up is amazing and I don’t even live where there is snow. But that is the one holiday I can feel.  The smell of the smoking chimneys, the sound of the music, the Salvation Army bells at Wal*Mart, hot cocoa, school’s out, etc. Now that I am a mom, it is even more fun!  Teaching my kids about the true meaning of Christmas, their excitement, their anticipation, I love it!

What a great ride!

AE got her first ever stomach bug!  It lasted from noon to almost 10PM. It was sad, at times scary, but I was so proud of my little trooper. She didn’t freak out or cry about it but she did get pretty pissed every time that bowl was pushed in front of her face. I think she thought that mere action would make her ERP! She fell asleep on a pallet in the livingroom floor and I stared at her slept on the couch all night. Then she was fine. Short lived, thankfully!

Therapy (I hear thunderous music in my head) Wow. Are you ready?

It was H’s turn to go first so she goes in for her neurofeedback.  Usually both kids have their NFB and then we join together for a chat. Friday, I was brought in before M’s session. H was sitting there, looking….weird. Together they told me that during the NFB, Dr J saw H jump and turn white. H told her she saw someone sitting in the other chair. A dead person. I asked H if she still could see this; she claimed he was still there. Not like a ghost, but like a pale, bloody dude. She says this happens sometimes, seeing people and not sure if they are really there. Then she began telling us about the people who live in her head. I can’t remember their names, except for Crazy. He is the one that tells her to do bad things. Oh, and one of them just had a baby. Yep! A pregnant person was living in her head but they gave birth recently. Anyway, she brought up all these things about the past and things she’s experienced. She showed Dr J the scars where someone attacked her with a knife when she was an infant. She has used those scars so many times. Last week those same scars were from a kid pushing her down at school. The week before, from something scratching her while she slept. I could tell Dr J was looking at my expressions to gather my feelings on all this. After H was excused, I looked right at Dr J and told her I don’t believe any of it. But she looked SO scared! Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY concerned. Do I believe my daughter sees dead people? Nope. Do I believe my daughter has different people in her head. Nope. Do I think there is a severe problem with the fact that in 10 minutes she told/acted like there were dead people, voices in her head, went on and on with the tales without ever pausing, that she can tell these stories as easily as I can tell you my name? YES! Yes, yes, yes!  She spews it out there, mixing up the past with the present, with movies, and with books. All mashed together to make these amazingly wild and freaky stories she calls her life. Dr J mentioned compulsive liar and I am thinking AT LEAST! Can’t wait for those evals in Feb.

 

I have had the weirdest/unbalanced/eventful last 15 or so hours…

Last night after dinner, M was in his room finishing up homework (his room is in the front of the house) and the rest of us were in my room (back of the house) dressing H’s turkey like Amelia Bedelia for school, don’t ask. M comes running and yelling that some lady is screaming for help outside. My mom immediately jumps up and I am not far behind. I am still in the house but I hear my mom yelling STOP! STOP! I am going to call the police if you don’t stop!!! Another woman was yelling for someone to please call 911! Normally my kids are never allowed alone in a room together but I yelled for M to keep the girls and himself in my room and close the door. I grabbed the phone and went out front. I saw a car take off and my mom hugging a woman I didn’t know. I was on the phone with 911 explaining the little I knew. Now the woman is begging me not to call the police. The dispatcher took the info and heard what the lady was saying. I hung up and about that time they left. My mom then explained that when she got outside she saw a young man beating the crap out of another man in the middle of the street – on the ground. And the woman was screaming for them to stop. Apparently, this woman is a sister of my neighbor, who wasn’t home. Somehow dad attacks mom and young adult son ends up beating the crap out of dad. Not sure how that all came to be, why they were in separate cars, why they were throwing down in front of a family member’s house when no one was home, but a policeman finally arrived. It was obvious by his attitude that we weren’t in a small town anymore. Where I grew up, this would be the big story, on the front page, the police would investigate for months. This guy, he half-listened to my mom, went and knocked on the neighbor’s door, declined the license plate my mom had gotten and said we should call back if anything else happens….Guess there are more dramatic issues in the big city.

Came inside and the phone was ringing. It was “the grandpa”. M and H’s grandpa. I had mailed him and his ex-wife a letter and had expected him to call. Once the kids were in bed, I called him back and we talked. I so wish I could believe him. That he misses the kids and loves them and is going crazy without them near. But…I know he is not liking not being in control. He has never come to visit, calls randomly, and makes it very obvious that he prefers M over H. Anyway, I listened and nodded aloud when necessary. Why fight? I told him I would have the therapist call him…

Going back a bit:

So after the big excitement, M was excited wanting all the details and little H was terrified. Such a reminder of all the drama when living with bio-mom. I was really thinking she wouldn’t be able to get to sleep. But she did. Until about mid-night. I hear this banging on the wall – not sure I have ever mentioned this but both M and H are terrified of their door alarms. I have made it very clear to them that the alarms aren’t to keep them in their rooms, but to let me know of their whereabouts. Doesn’t matter, they will NOT open their doors no matter what. So H was banging on her wall for me – the way she was doing this led me to believe she had had a nightmare. I ran in there and opened her door. She wasn’t afraid, she was sick. So I switched gears and got her to the restroom to hug the throne. I then went and stripped her bed, started the washer, put on new sheets and went to check on her. She was still getting sick. I am embarrassingly unable to be in the same room with someone who is getting sick. I was standing on the other side of the open door offering my moral support. She was handling it like a champ. As a kid, I would cry and cry but H just did her thing. After about 1/2 hour, I went to wake my mom because the poor child had been getting sick every five minutes. My mom came in and thankfully took over. Right in there, near the nasty stuff and sickening noises and smells. I was in awe. I remained on the outside of the door and was the runner of Pepto, washrags, water, etc. Glad to be useful somehow. H moved to her bed about 1:30 with “the” bowl. She got sick 3 more times until she finally fell asleep at almost 3AM. She woke this morning with a bit of a fever.

I stumbled in to the restroom this morning to get ready for work. More recently, I have noticed some “changes” but have concluded it is nothing more than some hairs that have become lost. I mean, I could get lost in a shoebox so why wouldn’t it make sense that my hairs would wind up in places they have never been??? Right?? But this morning. This morning, staring at me in the mirror was not one, but THREE gray hairs. Not blonde, not highlights, but 3 wiry gray hairs laughing at me…We do not go gray. My elder family members have some gray hairs but they are well above 50 at that point. I am not even close to 50 – my mom is only 54. (Sorry mom, better posting your age than mine!!!)

Gray. Hairs. One for each child, I presume.

I figure the best way I can understand how to help my kids is to keep better notes on their daily behaviors…or at least weekly. I am going to try to jot them here for my benefit and if anyone wants to jump in to point anything I am missing or a way to handle it – I won’t argue!

So lately with M – School isn’t going well. He is there to socialize, with his inept skills. He has to be the funniest, the loudest, the coolest. When in reality he is the smart one, the witty one, and the follower. He becomes a child other than the one that lives here when he is around his peers. I realize most kids do this at some point or another but this is over the top. I have seen him even take on accents, the way someone walks, their laugh, etc. He gets into trouble because of his desire to be accepted. It is working for him to some extent. He does have boys that hang out with him. They are a group the teachers talk about as a click. The loud, offensive, rude, mouthy ones. I am so proud… He talks excessively - surprise, surprise. He tries to play games on the computers at school, he doesn’t do homework, he doesn’t study, but he is intelligent enough to have all A’s and B’s which pisses me off. How does my telling him how important doing his work and studying is when he knows he can pull off good grades anyway. He doesn’t care that if he did, he could make all A’s. He wants to pass and he does. Fine, he is passing and I should be content with that. Is he learning? I guess to some point – enough to score high on the tests. He had 2 large projects to do this weekend and for one, he needed the book they are reading in English. He left it at school, of course. So he worked enough to earn buying another book Saturday so he could do the project. He finished them both with my reminders, and I asked him tonight, when I put him to bed, how it felt to have it all done. He looked at me like it was a trick question. “How am I supposed to feel?” I asked, do you feel different than you do on nights you know you haven’t done your work? He said no, why? How would you feel mom? I told him I couldn’t sleep those nights I had forgotten mine. He looked at me humorously. Mom is so cute…

At home, he is constantly doing things to annoy H. Little stupid things just so he can argue that he didn’t do anything, I think. He has a comeback for everything, is so mouthy lately, thinks I am horrible for providing consequences for these behaviors. He still thinks there should be all equality between he and H, unless he falls on the good side. He thinks he is the man of the house, acts like the dad, questions my parenting, and is entitled to everything. The food hoarding continues. Apologies are done in our house now – I am so sick of the sooooreeee – yeah, that’s sincere. Make it up to me, don’t rattle off some words. Then he catches himself sometimes and I do see sincerity, or is he working me from another angle? The hugs seems more affectionate and less controlling. It comes and goes. He is playing the dumb card quite a bit lately too. Doesn’t work for him so not sure why he is still trying… He is also using RAD as an excuse, mainly so he doesn’t have to be nice to H. UGH!

Now for H: I really don’t know about school. Her grades are great and she gets a happy stamp everyday. She does complain that her friends don’t treat her well but her teacher says he hasn’t noticed anything. So hard to know what is real with her. All she talks about are boys! boys! boys! – boys at school, that waiter is cute, that checkout boy is looking at me, that kid is checking me out…all.the.time. I’ve done the inappropriate thing, I am doing the ignoring thing, not working. She has calmed down with the passive-aggressive anger stuff for the moment. She was so hyper today – talking, not listening, not paying attention – all daily behaviors for her but today on speed. She and M were pointing out all the mannequins nipples at every store. Lovely. She is giving, constantly drawing me things or cleaning. She adores M still, bends over backward for him, which he abuses. I just wish I could talk to her, have a genuine conversation not filled with dramatic lies.  M does all these things that gets him constant consequences but H is more of a mystery to me. I know there are dark things going on although, from the outside she is an angel. I can’t get on her for cleaning too much, or making me too many pictures, or telling the wildest tales and trying to pass them off as reality. If I did the latter, she would never be unpunished – not exaggerating. It is constant – every sentence. She is loving and affectionate and helpful. She also scratches herself, bites herself, causes her nose to bleed, hits her head on things and breaks them, and can emotionally break down if she deems necessary in .5 seconds flat. M is more transparent to me, more about self sabotage. H is more complex and makes me more leery of her. The looks she gives me when she doesn’t get her way…a long look, then a weird smile with an “OK” and off she goes. It’s like she is putting each time in a little box to use for later. She looks at me as if to say, that’s ok, I’ll remember this. I feel she is more of a time-bomb. I hope I am wrong. I am just so unsure of how to handle her. M’s effects are so clear to his causes. H needs effects but I don’t know what to do, I am usually just annoyed or stunned by her or she can do something and you won’t know for days….I need help with this girl.