So much to say but not feeling it right now…

I’ll send you over to my friend’s place – I couldn’t have said it better!

http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2009/10/rad-quote-of-week.html

I was unable to attend my Aunt’s funeral due to my job and I knew the drama it would cause by my being there.  The grandfather was there as it was his sister to honor too. He would make a ruckus about seeing the kids and that just can’t happen right now. I knew it wouldn’t be the time or place for that argument so it sealed my decision not to go. It turned out to be a great decision. Birth mom also showed up which was the last thing I expected since when I last heard from her in April, she was living down around us planning to get married. Not only did she show up but she came with her oldest daughter, M and H’s big sister. Her name is B, she is 16 and has lived with the grandmother since she was about 1-year-old. She quickly informed my mom that she is now living. with. her. mom. In a small town not far from where we grew up. That’s all I know, I have no idea if they are living alone which I doubt. Her mom has always lived with men because she has no way to financially support herself. I have no idea if her grandmother gave her up legally. I have no idea if she is still in school. I am pretty sure her mom isn’t clean or she won’t be for long. I do know that the grandmother is single now after a long marriage. I do know that she had been in trouble at school and home for the past year and is at a very impressionable time of her life. I do know her grandmother never wanted children, her or her mom. I do know that the grandfather makes a huge deal about not getting to see M but not so much about H and obviously not B who has always lived about 10 miles from him and he never sees. I do know that both grandparents agree to this new living situation and only further strengthens my desire to keep the kids out of that circle. I do know that the grandmother gave up, the grandfather doesn’t care, and the mom has nothing positive to offer that child. She is the same age her own mom was when she dropped out of school and became pregnant with her. She had already been using for a while. I do believe birth mom thinks this will help keep her clean and really believes she can do the right thing. She has never been able to admit to anyone, especially herself, that this isn’t possible for her. That she needs to give herself a long time to prove to herself that she can do it for herself  before she tries to do it for someone else. I don’t know how my kids would react to knowing their sister now gets to live with their mom. It’s not anything I plan on sharing with them but eventually…

I hate this…

Today is H’s 9th birthday. It is so unreal to me – she was just this adorable little 3-year-old when she came to live with me:

She walked into my house and said, “I’m going to live with you!” She had not been told this was actually the case as it was a pretty hurried situation. But she knew. I thought wow, she isn’t even phased. I had no idea. I slept with her in the beginning because of the nightmares. All. night. long. I would watch her sleep and her face would twist and become scrunched up and the tears would flow and she would cry out. It was an awful thing to witness and I couldn’t make them stop.

She was such a funny little girl, the things she would say and the stories she would tell. We were all so impressed with her imagination…

There were immediate problems with little boys. My 3-year-old telling little boys she wouldn’t be their friend if they didn’t do things with her. Heartbreaking but I thought if I could explain to her that this isn’t what little princesses should do. If she only understood then she would stop….

She has always loved to draw and color and paint.  She draws people mostly, always has. They are happy and loving and exactly the way the world should be. I believe she enters these drawings the same way I enter books. Getting lost in another place, but in her case, she can create that place to escape to….

She has never been defiant (until this past year), never raised her voice or got angry. She appeared to be such a happy child that got along with everyone. Everyone loved her. People would come across the store to comment on her. She would start a conversation with anyone and they were completely charmed by her, (until this past year). She never seemed phased by anything and nothing got her down. I can look back now and see huge red flags but at that time, I thought she was just full of sunshine…

H is now a different child. More exposed or less, I can’t tell. She is still funny and beautiful and smart and creative. I feel frustration most days with her lately. I am glad I am writing this, taking time to remember that little girl with the nightmares, allowing me to remember her pain. I know she can’t help her behaviors and I know they are getting worse by the day. I am afraid of what tomorrow or next year will bring for her. For us. But I love that child, no matter her behaviors. I wouldn’t change my decision to be her mom almost 6 years ago. I didn’t know then that we would be here now but how humbled and grateful I am that God brought this amazing little person to my life. I have learned so much about myself and my abilities through her. Such a cliche’ but so true, I am such a better person because of her. She brings a new way to see the world through her eyes and it’s an amazing view….

Happy Birthday, Sweet H! I hope it is a wonderful one and I look forward to celebrating the next 50 with you. Thank you for being my little girl.

My Aunt passed in the night, in her sleep. She is able to dance and sing in the Heavens without any pain! Thank you all for your prayers, she is at peace now.

Looking For A Family

I wanted to help pass the word about this situation.

I also feel compelled to write about it.  This is my opinion based on my own experiences and evolution.  I don’t know this family or their specifics any more than you would if you read their current post. I do feel their pain though, as much as one possibly could.  I am sure that before I had children I wouldn’t have understood this situation. I would have said there is no way I could let my child go. I would say there is always another option including long-term residential care. I was wrong. I had no idea what it takes to be a parent and the capability to love someone far more than I could ever love myself. That love for my child would allow me to let them go. I can’t even imagine the pain this woman/family is in with this decision.

There was a time even after having the children that I would have judged, I’m sure. I didn’t just become a parent and all my views changed. But in one night they did. In that one night my heart shattered into 100 pieces and I felt nothing would be right again. I hadn’t protected my daughter, I hadn’t known the severity of my son’s illness, I was terrified they were going to take ALL my children away from me. I felt my daughter would hate me and resent telling me, I knew the baby would be so scared and not understand, and my son… My amazing, funny, smart boy! What was to happen to him? I won’t lie, there were moments that I was so disturbed by his alleged actions (turns out, if you aren’t a frequent reader, that my daughter falsely accused her brother of most everything that night) I didn’t want to be around him. I was on a roller coaster going so fast that my emotions were all over the place. It took a few hours for those disturbing feelings to completely vanish. I was never angry, I didn’t want him to go away, I didn’t blame him but to look at my daughter, I really can’t describe what I felt about him. I was a puddle on the floor heaving, shaking, unable to eat, and completely terrified, for days. My worst nightmare had come true, one of my children hurt another of my children and now I may possibly have to choose between them. Thankfully, thankfully, thankfully by the grace of God, this didn’t happen and my daughter admitted that she made the worst of it up. There were still some unacceptable behaviors by my son, but nothing compared to what she had accused him of. But that night changed my beliefs. I knew I had to protect my daughters. I was terrified of losing my son but I wanted to protect him too. As long as he continued (alleged) behaviors, he was also harming himself. Like I said, thankfully I was never actually presented with any of my children leaving my home.  I might one day but hopefully not. As someone said, this is a very real possibility in our world. But I know that the way to protect my child that is harming others is to get them help. Keeping them in the situation puts ALL my children at risk. The one harming the others only gets sicker each time he/she harms someone. This leads to an adulthood of harming others and that isn’t fair. To anyone.

I would hurt. OMG I would HURT. But I would do it. Because I love ALL of my children that much. Sometimes loving is letting go.